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Kathy went on her first Caribbean dives yesterday. I was unable to make it and Doc stayed with me (sweetheart). Kathy was as thrilled as you would expect since the only diving sheapos;s done in years is in a quarry. We love listening to her report at lunch.

Today we all went. We had told Kathy all about Bill and how the dive boat usually had few people on it. Bill is in the states and Kathy wonapos;t get to meet him. We emailed Bill before we booked to see if heapos;d be here. Ah well, Callie an DJ are excellent dive masters and not as cranky as Bill. Donapos;t get me wrong, we love Bill, cranky and all.

Itapos;s a great day for diving. This visibility is actually quite poor compared to other trips here (thank you Omar) but still terrific. Still able to see tons of interesting things.

We got back in plenty of time for lunch and I had what Iapos;ve been waiting over a year for....a tall, cold glass of Hairoun beer. Itapos;s great after diving. Of course, now I need a nap So what else is new.

The island is beautiful as ever. Itapos;s the greenest Iapos;ve seen it and the flowers are blooming everywhere. But no matter how lovely I wouldnapos;t trade it for my house on the hill back home....no place to keep horses ;-)

More later this week.

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I could never imagine the amount of pain and guilt i feel right now. For the first time in my life, I actually now what guilt feels like.
I hurt another person and drove them away, Usually in break ups im more concerned about myself

I realized it too late, i should have figured all this out many years ago. �I donapos;t set out to hurt people but i do, im so blinded that i didnapos;t realize the rift i was causing. This situation i put myself in . Iapos;m a selfish, jealous, untrusting person. I treat people the way i have been treated in the past and thats not fair to hurt someone like that. How could i become the person that i hated.

Iapos;m scared i will admit, scared that i may never be able to make it up to the persn i hurt. But i�have to make these changes none the less or ill continue to live my life unhappy and make others miserable.�

I�need now more then ever to sit back and think about what it will take to make myself happy. I have taken some great preliminary steps. But the road will be�a long one. Life is forever changing�and mstakes will happen, but�I will perservere. I will keep�updating�as i figure things�out.

For now im going to work on being the real me, and im going tobegin to get in shape..
�

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Whew. A lot of things happened today. It's a weekend but I had to get up early for our company's little bowling tournament. Not the serious type though. It was just some sort of a team building activity rather than a serious competition. The previous days, I didn't really want to go. I just wanted to stay home and maybe sleep til noon and scour the internet when I wake up. But I'm glad I went there. It was fun. I'm looking forward to next year's bowling.

So after our bowling, I met up with my mom and sister at the mall. Since I'm starting my language training next month, I decided to go to the bookstore to buy some stuff that I will need. (I over spent Imagine, how can someone over spend at a bookstore?) I bought a lot of stuff that might not even be necessary. But I liked how they looked so I got them anyway. When I was about to pay already, the queue to all the cashiers were long. I didn't have to choose. I just went to the closest cashier. I just noticed that the lady at the counter was really really slow. The lady behind me was already complaining.

"Why is that lady so slow?" she was talking to her son. Her son, after a few minutes, asked the same question. The kid was what? 7 years old? (more or less). I mean when I was 7 did I ask the same stuff? Did I ever get annoyed because the queue is too long? I think not. Imagine how strong his mom's influence is?

It didn't end there. When we were withing the lady's hearing range, she asked the same question as if talking to someone (maybe to her son but I don't think so) and she was intentionally saying it aloud so that the lady would hear.

My point is, she didn't have to say it that way. I don't know. Maybe if I was in the cashier's shoes, I would have opted to be confronted directly. It's not my business but sometimes people just don't know (or they don't care at all) that they're already hurting someone.

It could have been a tactless remark but then she didn't have to say it that way.

Sometimes, we need to think (really hard) before saying anything. Because even words can hurt.

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Bryan: i found the most amazing smoke shop the other day
whiskey slurs: woo
Bryan: its run by these little asian ladies
Bryan: and they were super nice and smiley
Bryan: and helfpul
Bryan: *helpful
whiskey slurs: asians sell cool smokable things.
Bryan: and she was like "can i see ID? for future" and it was so ridiculously cutesy asian.
whiskey slurs: i canapos;t believe you just said the word "cutesy"
Bryan: in reference to an asian, cutesy is alright.
whiskey slurs: but...but you have a penis.
Bryan: even so.
Bryan: in reference to cute little asians itapos;s okay.
whiskey slurs: iapos;m having a really hard time not picturing you as a girl at the moment.
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Madam Rosemerta looked out her bedroom window on her way to bed, seeing two figures hurrying down the road. The younger of the two was struggling trying to hold up the older person as they walked along. Recognizing the person that was barely standing she rushed down the steps, out the front of her tavern, to see if she could help.

ldquo;Professor Dumbledorerdquo;

ldquo;Ah Rosemerta, so nice to see you on this lovely evening.rdquo;

ldquo;Albus why are you leaning on this boy, have you been injured?rdquo;

ldquo;I will be just fine, my dear. It would seem that I have drunk something that does not agree with me. Young Harry here has been kind enough to assist me back to the School.rdquo;

ldquo;Is there anything I can do?rdquo;

ldquo;As a matter of fact do you have any brooms handy? The faster I can return to Hogwarts the sooner I can see Madam Pomfrey about my illness.rdquo;

ldquo;I have a couple behind the bar. Would you like me to fetch them for you?rdquo;

ldquo;Donrsquo;t trouble yourself, Madam, Harry can get them. If that is agreeable to you, Harry.rdquo;

ldquo;Yes Professor.rdquo; Shifting his hold on Dumbledore Harry lifts his wand,rdquo; Accio Rosemertarsquo;s Brooms.rdquo;

Within minutes two brooms were heard crashing through the door and coming to a stop in front of Harry. He quickly aids Dumbledore in mounting one broom before arranging himself on the second.

ldquo;Thank you Madam, it is much appreciated. Off we go Harry.rdquo;

The men take flight gripping their brooms tightly as they rush up the hill towards Hogwarts. Rosemerta watches until they are out of sight before returning to her bed for the evening. Puzzling over the circumstances that would have Dumbledore away from the school this late at night with a student.

They pushed the brooms to their limits managing to reach their destination within five minutes time. Landing on top of the Astronomy tower.

ldquo;I believe we should leave these here for tonight. Do you have your cloak with you Harry?rdquo;

ldquo;Yes sir.rdquo;

ldquo;Please put it on. I think it will be better if no one sees you were out with me this evening.rdquo;

He waited patiently as Harry settled the cloak over himself.

ldquo;Now please stay quiet until otherwise told.rdquo; Dumbledore said as he opened the door, heading down the steps. As he opened the door at the bottom he was alerted to a noise to the right of where they were. Stopping to assess the situation, Harry leaned around him in time to see a group of Deatheaters exiting the Room of Requirement behind Malfoy.

The group froze on the spot when they realized Dumbledore was watching them.

ldquo;Well well if it isnrsquo;t the old man himself.rdquo; Greyback stated stepping forward.

ldquo;Wait, this is my job. Now get back with the others.rdquo; Malfoy stepped around him dismissively. ldquo;You take care of anyone else who comes along.rdquo;

ldquo;Of course. Irsquo;m sure reinforcements will be arriving soon to protect their great leader.rdquo; Greyback reluctantly moved aside.

Harry was ready to do battle with Malfoy himself, when he realized his limbs were frozen in place. Dumbledore must have cast a spell so he would not interfere.

ldquo;There will be no one coming to help me. So please tell me what you have in mind Draco.rdquo;

ldquo;I have been given the task of killing you. Now if you would quietly allow me to complete my mission before anyone finds us. For I do not believe our entrance would go unnoticed for long. I would like to be ready to battle my opponents, something I cannot be if you are still breathing.rdquo;

ldquo;Oh but there will be no battle here tonight, Irsquo;m afraid.rdquo;

ldquo;What are you talking about you fool? Of course there will be a battle. Irsquo;m not naive enough to think your stupid Order lot would let me walk out of here after you are dead. Or do you think you can talk me out of my task?rdquo;

ldquo; I know the task, as you call it, will be finished. I also know that someone other then the Order has decided there will be no battle here.rdquo;

ldquo;Who has decided this? Our story clearly states there will be a confrontation on these grounds this evening.rdquo;

ldquo;I am aware of our story, but alas someone has decided it just wasnrsquo;t good enough.rdquo;

ldquo;I donrsquo;t understand, we are to fight with Potterrsquo;s friends as we leave the school, after I have disarmed and bested you.rdquo;

ldquo;That is the way JoAnne wrote it but Irsquo;m afraid that is not to be. The authorities who make the final decisions have come to the conclusion that people do not want to see two battles of Hogwarts. So instead they are stopping at my death.rdquo;

Proffessor Snape arrives just in time to hear the end of this speech.

ldquo;What nonsense is this. Are those wretched fanfiction writers at it again?rdquo; Draco asked.

ldquo;This isnrsquo;t the work of fan fiction. Even when those writers place me withhellip;rdquo;shudders, ldquo;Potter they write better drivel then this.rdquo; Snape answers.

ldquo;You are right of course Severus. This is coming from the ones who control the money. They believe they are the only ones who know what people want to see.rdquo;

ldquo;No, I am here to fight and I am not leaving until I do.rdquo; growled Greyback.

ldquo;Irsquo;m sorry to disappoint you but it is not going to happen. Draco is going to disarm me as he said, then I will fall in the way I am supposed tohellip;rdquo; He looks over to Snape as he says this, ldquo; You will all manage to escape quite easily. I regret that it has to be this way but I am not given any say in the matter. If it makes you feel any better, they have also decided I am not worth the fuss of burial.rdquo;

ldquo;Well letrsquo;s get this over with then.rdquo;

ldquo;As you wish Mr Malfoy. Can you just give an old man a moment to prepare myself.rdquo; Dumbledore whispers quietly so only Harry can here. ldquo;Please do not struggle or fight. This is the way it is to be. Just remember what I have taught you.rdquo;

ldquo;Who are you talking to?rdquo;

ldquo;Just thinking out loud. I believe I am ready now. Do not fuss I am not going to fight.rdquo;

ldquo;Finally. Expelliramus.rdquo; Dumbledorersquo;s wand flies from his hand without out hesitation. ldquo;Now How does it feel to know one of your students is going to be the one to end your life?rdquo;

ldquo;I donrsquo;t think that is going to happen. You are no killer Draco. I do not think you want to become one either.rdquo;

ldquo;Yoursquo;re a fool then.rdquo;

ldquo;If that is so I would have been dead within minutes of finding you and your friends.rdquo;

ldquo;You were to busy talking so I didnrsquo;t have a chance to do anything.rdquo;

ldquo;It is alright. There is no shame in staying innocent.rdquo;

ldquo;Innocent? I am not innocent.rdquo;

Snape stepped forward.

ldquo; Why donrsquo;t I just do this. I am tired of waiting. He is right no one is coming yet but they will soon so letrsquo;s get on with things. I would like to be gone before they find him.rdquo;

ldquo;Bbbut this is my mission.rdquo;

ldquo;Well You arenrsquo;t doing it and Irsquo;m not going to be caught because of your fears. Now step aside this instant.rdquo;

ldquo;Please do as he says Draco. We all know you are not a murderer.rdquo;

Pushing Draco behind him Snape levels his wand at Dumbledore. Hesitating.

ldquo;Please Severusrdquo; Dumbledore begged with a significant look at Snape. Taking a deep breath Snape says the final words.

ldquo;Avada Kedavrardquo;

Dumbledore flies through the air landing in a crumpled heap feet away from where he was standing. As soon as the words had left his mouth Snape grabbed Draco dragging him out of the castle where they apperated along with the other Deatheaters.

Immediately after Harry is free from his bindings allowing him to throw off his cloak as he runs to the Headmasters side. Harry hears footsteps running down the hall. He is to upset to care if the Deatheaters had decided to return to kill him as well. He didnrsquo;t move from his position by Dumbledore until he heard excited voices around him.
�

ldquo;Harry what happened?rdquo; Hermione asked near tears at the sight of the beloved Headmaster.

ldquo;Malfoyhellip;.Deatheatershellip;.Snapehellip;.Hersquo;s deadhellip;I didnrsquo;t helphellip;.Hersquo;s dead because of me.rdquo;

ldquo;Harry calm down. Please let go. We need to figure this out.rdquo;

ldquo;I couldnrsquo;t do anything. He wouldnrsquo;t let me. He knew what was happening but he let it happen anyway.rdquo; Harry cried. ldquo;Now I wonrsquo;t even get to say goodbye.rdquo;

ldquo;Of course you will get to say goodbye. That is what funerals are for.rdquo;

ldquo;Hersquo;s not going to have one. He said even though JoAnne wrote one we are not allowed to give it to him.rdquo;

ldquo;Why thatrsquo;s ridiculus. Nobody will stand for this.rdquo;

ldquo;We donrsquo;t have a choice.rdquo;

ldquo;Well this isnrsquo;t good.rdquo;

ldquo;No it isnrsquo;t. But he knew it had to be. Now I guess we might as well go to bed since this is going to be the end of our story.rdquo;

ldquo;Yeah, maybe we better. Maybe next time wersquo;ll be allowed to do something nice. Like attend a wedding.rdquo;
________________________________________________________________________________________________

A/N - Sorry I was kind of upset that they are going to ruin yet another Harry Potter movie so I borrowed JKRapos;s characters to make my version of the messed up ending. Wish they were my Characters so I could tell the producers where they could stick their version.

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"I never trust This American Life"
-Garrison Keillor



Iapos;m sitting around the big yellow house in the most unladylike manner. I got back from the Naval War College Museum late, so I didnapos;t get a chance to change. I wore a new business dress today. Itapos;s one of those very conservative jumper sheath dress thingies that one usually wears a blouse underneath that have gotten popular. You may have seen them around Wall Street, or perhaps on Michelle Obama. Well, I had noticed today that I was getting a lot of elevator eyes around the naval base and at the 7-11 where I get my monster diet cokes. I walked around, thinking that it was really true that if you left a little something to the imagination that you got more of a response. When I got to my second job after a day at the museum, i looked in the mirror and noticed that my dress had been hiking up. It had been all day--I was constantly pulling it down. What I didnapos;t notice is that when it did, the vent in the back hiked up to about two inches from glory. Sure, sailors are just going to look. But I was also giving them a bit of a show. I guess itapos;s time to buy a slip.

This was right after I justified my "ERA yes" button as an historical artifact and not a political statement. It would have been fair to say it was both. The "Veterans for Obama" button was not as ambiguous. Silly federal government rules about not supporting candidates.

Do you remember that story I sent you about memory and history? i turned it in as a paper. I was nervous that the prof would like it. Although there was a bit of a negative tone to it, he loved it. He suggested that I come talk to him about getting it published. As much as I want to laugh it off, I think that I should do it. After all, i need to get over this fear of disclosure that I have if iapos;m going to be a rock star astronaut senator.

Speaking of being an astronaut senator, today was kind of a sad day at work. Lately, things have been going well for me I think. We had a big meeting for the department project (remember--the one that I got uncomfortable in and quit last year). I disagreed with some people. Instead of thinking things and then quietly sitting by, I made a big stand. I had to talk over people and interrupt and everything. And surprisingly, people listened. And its looking like things might go my way. Add into that that things are going well with the Veterans group. I read a bunch of IRS stuff about veteranapos;s and non-profit status and i got in touch with a friend of mine in whoapos;s a tax lawyer and it looks like this thing is a go. All of this has been feeding into a childhood dream iapos;ve had of getting involved in local politics. Iapos;ve been fantasizing about it more and more. Blame it on the political climate. But iapos;ve also been thinking that for next year, I want to try to find a job that will help me work at the policy level. Maybe not immediately, but eventually. Something in cultural advocacy. At my PMF interview, the nice lady said that I had a good shot at it. At any rate, I had my first big meeting with the new education director at the Naval War College. I outlined the ideas I had for the mission, goals, and strategic plan for the museum, along with a list of programs what would take the museum into the age of being full of community based programs, curriculum linked tours, and relevant programming. He was...not as convinced. I think that we found a nice middle ground. Iapos;ll be working on better docent training and better tours for school groups. Hopefully I can get him thinking more of community programming over the course of the semester. But really, it made me a little sad. How do I expect to convince congress that we need more funding for the humanities if I canapos;t convince an *education director* that we need better education. Sad.

Iapos;m not getting any schoolwork done tonight. Not a surprise. I remember that I used to motivate myself to do things on thursdays. What happend to that?
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